A certain sadness

T here is a certain sadness that I sometimes feel when I’m with him.

When he sleeps I can’t help but see who he is now and think of who he’ll be.

And it makes me smile before I stop to reflect on who you might have been.

There’s a sense of regret. Of longing. Of wanting you here too.

Because I know how good it feels to have him and then I’ll wonder about you.

I’m not bitter or ungrateful or unable to let go.

I am enjoying every moment.
A little bit more perhaps,
because of you.

It’s just that sometimes in staring at him and enjoying what it is to be his Mum I still think of you, that’s all.

Every passing thought often brings me back to you, my girl.

And so I wonder if I love him enough for two lifetimes…

Will you feel it too?


As time passes and memories of the little love I lost soften it’s nice to have something tangible to hold on to like the casts of Penny’s hands and feet. This post serves as a reminder to myself as much as to anyone else, that my love for my children (that’s right, because there are two) knows no bounds and while I am so very lucky to have Costa in my life, he is not a replacement for the one before but rather a wonderful new addition to our family and while on the surface (and to most people) we are 3, in our hearts (and to us) we are 4.

This isn’t a post luring you in to give it anything other than your eyes but if you are in a position to give beyond this, Angel Casts is one charity that is so very deserving of your dollar.

As always, thanks for reading x


Erena Te Paa sig

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