Do you know that before I found out this baby was a little boy I had convinced myself that I was having a girl. It’s a little awkward to admit and trust me, I tried very hard not to so naturally when I found out I was a little taken aback.
The truth is, I’ve always pictured myself as the Mum of boys anyway and regardless of what I imagined and irrespective of gender, love has always been there for this baby since day dot.
But I wanted to acknowledge that hoping for something and then being surprised by the result is ok too. It’s ok to feel things and then let them wash over you. Deep down I know that my wish for a girl comes from losing Penny but I always remind myself that I had her, she’s with me and I have been blessed beyond belief to have not one but two sons when I know very well that I could have had none and consequently I love these boys with everything that I have that I can’t picture a life without them in it and more so, I wouldn’t go back.
L et go of whatever hurt was tied up in the little girl you had.
Know that she’s there in everything that you do, making it better, changing you for the better. Just like any daughter (or son) would immeasurably do.
Only she has done it in a matter of months not years.
Know that there’s no shame in feeling her loss in various ways, at certain times and on different days. She will live on in you just as her absence will be forever felt in all the ups and downs of life.
Don’t feel guilty for wanting her close or for carrying around the hope of a second chance and don’t feel guilty for entertaining dreamy ideals of who she might’ve been and what you two could do.
Don’t feel guilty that she still lets you feel things you didn’t know were there and don’t feel guilty that you’re still learning how to live without her just as you’re learning how to thrive in shadows.
Don’t suppress what needs to be felt but don’t shut out the love you need to let in.
You will not find her in anyone else because her strength and divine feminine spirit remains in you and with you always…. and no one can replace or diminish the light that she gave only to you.