I lost my baby but I’m ok

Me photographed in my third trimester by Danelle Bohane

Today the courier guy noticed I was finally at the door to sign for a parcel.  He doesn’t normally talk to me but he looked at me, smiled and said ‘You’ve had your baby?’

Cue awkward silence…

I politely smiled and explained that yes I had but sadly she wasn’t with us anymore.  In that awkward moment while he was wishing the world would swallow him up I suddenly realised that I felt really bad for him because I on the other hand, well I was okay.

Sure, I haven’t been great for a while but that’s to be expected in the wake of a loss like mine but I’ve made peace with losing my precious Penny and here are a few reasons why:

  • I am not the only one who has lost a child, people suffer this or worse every day
  • I’ve gained a whole new perspective on life and what is most important
  • I love and appreciate my family, friends and my husband even more, if that is even possible
  • If I’d had Penny long enough to really know her I probably wouldn’t be able to let her go
  • What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, sad but I know this to be true

When loved ones leave us I think that if you’re open-minded they’ll leave you little reminders to let you know their around, like the feathers that turn up on Penny’s grave when we visit or the Monarch butterflies that fly by as if out of nowhere, call me crazy but I like to think its her saying ‘Hey Mum, it’s me, I’m okay’.

This doesn’t mean that there won’t be days when getting out of bed will feel pointless or that I won’t read this back tomorrow and bawl my eyes out because occasionally I will but for the odd days when I feel hopeless they’ll be a dozen more that will feel positively uplifting and for that I’m grateful.

Penny, there isn’t a single moment in every hour of every day that I don’t think of you, play the playlist I made for you and wish you were here but I think you know this and sometimes I think you are there.  Like a shadow or a tiny inaudible voice inside me willing me to keep going and keep my head up.

And so despite all I’ve lost I can carry on with you in my heart and somehow I think yeah, everything will be okay.

Rest in peace my angel xo

penny
Image of Penny, captured by Blue Belle Photography on behalf of Heartfelt.

 

Erena Te Paa Stylist

 

73 Comments

  1. April 15, 2015 / 6:29 am

    You are so strong and such a beautiful person!! Your babygirl will be watching over you so so proudly. xxx

  2. April 15, 2015 / 6:29 am

    Kia kaha ♡ Beautifully written x

  3. April 15, 2015 / 6:31 am

    your beautiful soul continues to inspire. Much love <3

  4. April 15, 2015 / 6:36 am

    Beautiful Erena xx

  5. April 15, 2015 / 6:37 am

    You are very brave x

  6. April 15, 2015 / 6:37 am

    Beautiful words! So strong, big love to you both!

  7. April 15, 2015 / 6:43 am

    This is so beautifully written Erena. You’re amazing XX

  8. April 15, 2015 / 6:46 am

    Such beautiful words from such a strong, gorgeous and inspiring woman. Love ya hun x

  9. April 15, 2015 / 6:48 am

    Stunningly beautiful words, thank you for sharing something so precious & personal. It’s a really brave thing to do! Much love to you & Joe. Sending love to Penny too xo

  10. April 15, 2015 / 6:59 am

    Beautifully written Erena ! Your precious angel will always be with you xx

  11. April 15, 2015 / 7:06 am

    Beautiful words <3

  12. April 15, 2015 / 7:10 am

    Raewyn Simpson Paige Drever xxxxxx

  13. April 15, 2015 / 7:11 am

    Such beautiful strong words. My heart goes out to you and Joe xx

  14. April 15, 2015 / 7:11 am

    That’s a beautiful piece of writing Erena, so sad to read but so glad that you are dealing with it so well.

  15. April 15, 2015 / 7:15 am

    <3 xx I've been thinking of you everyday.

  16. April 15, 2015 / 7:21 am

    Beautiful words Erena Te Paa, much love to both you and joe xx

  17. April 15, 2015 / 7:22 am

    That is the most amazingly beautiful and wonderful thing I have ever read. Ever. I believe our loved ones are always with us too in little ways that only we notice, like a special little secret xo

  18. April 15, 2015 / 7:23 am

    So sad to read but such beautiful,strong and wise words Erena. It’s wonderful to know you are ready to start facing the world again. Your Penny chose a remarkable person to be her Mum XXXX.

  19. April 15, 2015 / 7:28 am

    Oh it brought tears to my eyes Erena, me and mum think of you often. xx

  20. April 15, 2015 / 7:40 am

    Very well written and very nice!!

  21. April 15, 2015 / 7:46 am

    Each day will get a little bit easier. I lost my son 25 years ago. Such beautiful words and thank you for sharing. Sending hugs to you xx

  22. April 15, 2015 / 7:52 am

    That is amazing strength, my heart goes out to you & your family, keep getting stronger

  23. April 15, 2015 / 8:14 am

    Erena that was so beautifully written. Love to you both xxx

  24. April 15, 2015 / 8:19 am

    So sorry for your loss, I hope you can continue to find comfort in the monarch butterflies and feathers x

  25. April 15, 2015 / 8:20 am

    Beautifully written Erena xxx

  26. April 15, 2015 / 8:24 am

    I’m so sorry to hear of your news Erena. What a strong, beautiful lady you are. Such wise words. Thank you for sharing your thoughts x

  27. April 15, 2015 / 8:25 am

    What beautiful words, i am glad Penny is helping you both find strength xx

  28. April 15, 2015 / 8:38 am

    beautiful words erena x

  29. April 15, 2015 / 8:44 am

    oh my god Erena, I am so sorry for your loss! I had no idea this had happened and is heartbreaking to read you blog. Your wee angel is at peace. I wish you all the courage and strength to find your own peace xox

  30. April 15, 2015 / 9:14 am

    Well done for sharing Elena. It’s a great part of the grieving process. And it’s ok to have those bad days between the good…

  31. April 15, 2015 / 9:21 am

    Fifty five years ago, but still our Angel in Heaven.

  32. April 15, 2015 / 9:41 am

    Oh my heart is breaking for you all (the author and all those who have had to go through what I can only imagine is the hardest thing in the world). Anyone who can survive this is amazing and I hope you all see your dear ones again in heaven (or whatever you believe comes next). Arohanui

  33. April 15, 2015 / 9:42 am

    You and Joe are beautiful people hon……you will be ok as you have each other xxx

  34. April 15, 2015 / 9:45 am

    Beautifully said. Thinking of you both. Xx

  35. April 15, 2015 / 10:32 am

    You write so beautifully my dear cousin. Arohanui xx

  36. April 15, 2015 / 11:07 am

    I trust that our precoius angels, Hope, Faith & Aroha will take good care of your little Penny up above… you have been through so much but I wish you healing hope, happiness & oceans of love going forward <3 I still have bad days and its hard to explain to anyone that hasn't been through it but we move on as best we can. We will always carry our angels with us wherever we go... Much love xx

  37. April 15, 2015 / 11:29 am

    You are one amazing lady Eds, I have so much admiration for your courage and outlook on life. Have been thinking of you and send you all my love xx

  38. April 15, 2015 / 11:58 am

    Inspiring words Erena I can so relate to your feelings and emotions of upset.. I to have lost babies..13 pregnancies and only 3 living today.. there is not a day that goes by I don’t think about the ones I have lost to.. healing process for me has been the hardest. The only time I ever felt peace is when I would visit a chapel was like my children were telling me its okay mum.. most precious things in life

  39. April 15, 2015 / 12:14 pm

    Thanks for sharing such special words. Your strength is inspiring xx

  40. April 15, 2015 / 1:36 pm

    Such amazing words from such a lovely person, good to see your doing ok, hope Joe is doing well to, xo

  41. April 15, 2015 / 3:06 pm

    This is such a beautiful piece Erena , you an joe are such strong people xx .

  42. April 15, 2015 / 6:38 pm

    How beautiful. Thinking of you , much love x

  43. April 15, 2015 / 11:55 pm

    Awesome way to put this, I lost 3 babies myself. I have a rose pot plant garden for my babies. Which one is buried there.

  44. April 16, 2015 / 1:13 am

    Erena, my Anna will also look out for ur Penny, these words are exactly how I have lived my life ,after 25 yrs its just like yesterday!

  45. April 16, 2015 / 2:11 am

    came across this yesterday and thought of you

  46. April 16, 2015 / 2:44 am

    Beautifully said <3

  47. April 16, 2015 / 4:37 am

    I had just read this. It is so sad and strong

  48. April 16, 2015 / 4:58 am

    Yes I tagged you in comments then realised you had already read it.
    It’s very beautiful and heart wrenching.

  49. April 16, 2015 / 6:14 am

    Beautiful Erena, so beautiful x

  50. April 17, 2015 / 12:54 am

    So sorry to (belatedly) learn this sad news. You express your grief with remarkable grace. Warm wishes from the far side of the planet.

  51. April 18, 2015 / 8:03 am

    Love to you Erena. Such honest, heartfelt, brave & beautiful words. X

  52. April 21, 2015 / 4:35 am

    Thank you everyone for your encouragement and kind words. I was blown away by how many of you read this post and were inspired by it xxx

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