Life, Life after Loss, Penny's Place
comments 36

Letting go


Regret, it’s a spiky old thing.  But I see it for what it is. I feel the emotion and I go with it be that crying, laughing or just taking a walk.  I breathe it in and out before finally letting go.

There will always be a psychological pain point that blindsides you on a Monday.

For me it was a simple form that asked ‘how many children do you have’?

I entered an obligatory zero before saying sorry. Sorry to Penny and sorry to myself because doing that just hurt.  I wanted to cross out the option actually and instead put of this earth and not of this earth, check that and then give it back. But it’s not the forms fault just like its not the person’s fault for asking the question.

I can’t be bitter about it. Just like I can’t expect them to know how it feels.

The world is round but it doesn’t revolve around me. I must evolve with it.

Besides I’ll see her again.  Them again.  As she is one of many. I don’t know that I will for sure of course but I choose to believe it.

And belief can be a powerful motivator.

I don’t want to be the sad topic of conversation at family gatherings. Just like I don’t want to be the one who everyone avoids because I can’t let go. Burdened by that gigantic chip on my shoulder.

It expends too much of the energy that I have left. And I’ve allocated that to my friends and family because like me, they’re only here for so long and they need love in this lifetime. And love I can do.

There will come a time when you have to choose whether you use your past as a weapon for good or evil because it can do both.

Will you hold people to ransom with it and continuously look for their sympathy, falling deeper into oblivion because you realise that they’ve moved on and you can’t.  Because they will.

Or will you let your pain inspire you to be better and show others just how far you’ve come.

I want my friends to know that they can still lean on me, cry on my shoulder if they want and rest easy knowing that I won’t be there trying to out-cry them.

Our grief connects us.

I hurt. People hurt. The world hurts.

The hurt leaves a wound and you can continue to rub salt into it for as long as you want to feel that agony. After all your time is your own.

Or you can leave it to heal and let that be a reminder to you and to everyone else that you weren’t just lucky enough to survive it, you were clever enough to let it be the thing that makes you stronger.




  1. you are an incredible woman and I will never tire of reading your personal posts. I hope you won’t tire of writing them. xx

  2. Some very strong and powerful words. I can relate and they do help, they help me to pick up and carry on. So thank you for putting it out there, you brave, strong & inspiring woman. Xx

  3. Thank you for sharing <3 I know its hard, but so many of us can relate and appreciate you making us feel like we're not alone in this journey. Thinking of you xxx

  4. Beautiful words Erena. And I’m sure a lot of people reading this relate in some way with something that has happened in their lives too… and we understand.

  5. Your honesty is inspiring. My son’s little boy was born 2 weeks before Penny. I think of little Penny as Zelind grows, she will always be in my thorts and Cam and Neesh’s. Much love Erena, from us all xoxo

  6. Every post you amaze me Erena. Your words, your strength and courage inspire me. Thank you for being just you x

  7. Miriam Bleackley says

    Ohhhh, I had missed this post for some reason so only just read it. It brought a tear to my eye and every post I read of yours inspires me. You truly are a beautiful person xx

  8. Thank you Miriam, knowing that my posts inspire you (even if you have only just found them) is truly the best thing ever xx

  9. Pingback: Gal Pals | Erena – What Hazel Said

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