This was found a few weeks ago on a laptop that I thought was broken. It is the only thing close to a diary entry I have ever written about losing Penny at this time 4 years ago. It was beautifully painful for me to read but not so painful that I couldn’t share. I admire my strength and perspective at that time because it helped me become who I am now; blessed in so many ways, resilient and always looking toward the light and it’s all because of you baby girl…
My darling Penny, I have all these emotions that I don’t know what to do with except write. You taught me that it was ok to be me and to share what I know and for that I am grateful. I will always be grateful for you. W hen the dust settles on the passing […]
T here is a certain sadness that I sometimes feel when I’m with him. When he sleeps I can’t help but see who he is now and think of who he’ll be. And it makes me smile before I stop to reflect on who you might have been. There’s a sense of regret. Of […]
How do you change a room that has never been slept in? It’s something I’ve been thinking about lately. It should be easy shouldn’t it?! It should be easy given that I never really knew her. That on the cusp of 39 weeks I never finished her room. I know you probably thought I had […]
Almost without thinking, when Penny passed I started to create a collection of songs that in some way fit with her memory and the love I held and will always hold for her. Over time, they’ve helped me to cope, to hold on to the good and to let go of the pain and so maybe in some […]
PLEASE READ THIS FIRST: The story I am about to share with you is my personal account of the day I lost my baby Penny and the days that followed. Stillbirth is a tough and confronting experience and one that thankfully, most will never have to go through. So if the subject makes you feel fearful or uneasy, that […]
Regret, it’s a spiky old thing. But I see it for what it is. I feel the emotion and I go with it be that crying, laughing or just taking a walk. I breathe it in and out before finally letting go. There will always be a psychological pain point that blindsides you on a Monday. For me […]
For Penny, wherever you are… From the moment I laid eyes on him….at the Outback Inn. Hair swept back with a headband like David Beckham in the 90s serving drinks like Tom Cruise in Cocktail. Okay that last bit was a bit over embellished but he was cool, I liked him. I liked him despite the fact that on our […]
Mother’s Day for me meant celebrating the little things and while crying was certainly the order of the day I chose to look out for little reminders that maybe just maybe my babe was sending some love my way. Little thing #Number one On visiting the lovely garden for little lost ones we were immediately met by […]
Recently I was with a close friend of mine and I asked her indecisively ‘Am I still a Mum’? To which she quickly and adamantly replied ‘Yes of course you are‘! I don’t quite know why I keep looking for reassurances as if I’m about to fail a test that I should know off by heart. Maybe it is […]
Me photographed in my third trimester by Danelle Bohane Today the courier guy noticed I was finally at the door to sign for a parcel. He doesn’t normally talk to me but he looked at me, smiled and said ‘You’ve had your baby?’ Cue awkward silence… I politely smiled and explained that yes I had but sadly she wasn’t with […]