I can’t decide if at 38 weeks it feels like Christmas Eve or New Years Day.
Should I be celebrating or should I feel reflective? I’m not sure.
I guess I’m somewhere in-between but as there are so many feelings swimming around in my head at the moment, a little introspection feels good at a time like this.
I can only see the ‘before‘. The ‘after‘ part is still blurry. As in, I’ll get to that later. That’s another post for another day, when I know more than I do now.
Hopefully that part will be when I’m so overwhelmed by feelings I’ve never felt and am up to my neck in tiny cuddles and lessons I am still to learn.
Til then, I know this place. I’ve been here before but this time my bags are packed. I feel stronger, my family are here and I am ready. Well, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.
I had a ‘to-do’ list of things to try, books to read. Date nights to plan. As usual that list lies dormant, I haven’t read any books or been on many dates but that was never the point. I know ‘me’ too well. I don’t mind that some things are unresolved. Besides, what point is life if everything is done and we have it all figured out?
All I’ve figured out is that very soon I’ll be losing myself willingly to the all encompassing experience that is motherhood (once more).
My son is hopefully readying for his arrival and I’m preparing to fall hopelessly and completely in (motherly) love with him.
I can’t give you an exact day or time that this will be but for now that is all I’ve got planned. That feeling alone, is all I need.
And to that end, my diary is full.