Changing a baby’s room after loss

How do you change a room that has never been slept in? It’s something I’ve been thinking about lately.

It should be easy shouldn’t it?!

It should be easy given that I never really knew her.  That on the cusp of 39 weeks I never finished her room.  I know you probably thought I had it all figured out right?!  What with all my ‘creativity and flair’ but no, I couldn’t think of a colour or personality for her room.  I couldn’t find inspiration right up until the day she so swiftly left me and it still breaks my heart that I couldn’t.

Maybe not knowing what to do was how she meant for it to be? I’ll never know.

It should be easy shouldn’t it?

I mean, her clothes were never worn, the toys never touched, the books never read (and there are so-many-books).

I paint an unfortunate picture and I don’t mean to because in so many ways I am fortunate.

But changing a nursery that has never been slept in is such a big decision that no one ever teaches you (yet no one really should).  It isn’t easy for me and I imagine its not easy for many mothers or fathers who are, or were once in my position.

The real answer I believe is slowly but surely and with absolute love and respect for the one who is no longer there to fill it.

I don’t want it to be a shrine for someone else to be fearful of but whatever I do it will come to me and whatever I decide will be the right decision.

I feel like she’ll let me know when it’s okay just as she continues to do in so many beautiful and bizarre ways.

And when that time comes I don’t think I’ll need to think, I believe I’ll just know.

Erena Te Paa sig

#Copingwithloss #lettinggo #stillbirth