I lost my baby but I’m ok

Me photographed in my third trimester by Danelle Bohane

Today the courier guy noticed I was finally at the door to sign for a parcel.  He doesn’t normally talk to me but he looked at me, smiled and said ‘You’ve had your baby?’

Cue awkward silence…

I politely smiled and explained that yes I had but sadly she wasn’t with us anymore.  In that awkward moment while he was wishing the world would swallow him up I suddenly realised that I felt really bad for him because I on the other hand, well I was okay.

Sure, I haven’t been great for a while but that’s to be expected in the wake of a loss like mine but I’ve made peace with losing my precious Penny and here are a few reasons why:

  1. I am not the only one who has lost a child, people suffer this or worse every day

  2. I’ve gained a whole new perspective on life and what is most important

  3. I love and appreciate my family, friends and my husband even more, if that is even possible

  4. If I’d had Penny long enough to really know her I probably wouldn’t be able to let her go

  5. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, sad but I know this to be true

When loved ones leave us I think that if you’re open-minded they’ll leave you little reminders to let you know their around, like the feathers that turn up on Penny’s grave when we visit or the Monarch butterflies that fly by as if out of nowhere, call me crazy but I like to think its her saying ‘Hey Mum, it’s me, I’m okay’.

This doesn’t mean that there won’t be days when getting out of bed will feel pointless or that I won’t read this back tomorrow and bawl my eyes out because occasionally I will but for the odd days when I feel hopeless they’ll be a dozen more that will feel positively uplifting and for that I’m grateful.

Penny, there isn’t a single moment in every hour of every day that I don’t think of you, play the playlist I made for you and wish you were here but I think you know this and sometimes I think you are there.  Like a shadow or a tiny inaudible voice inside me willing me to keep going and keep my head up.

And so despite all I’ve lost I can carry on with you in my heart and somehow I think yeah, everything will be okay.

Rest in peace my angel xo


penny

Erena Te Paa Stylist

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